Seeing as how Kris and I just reached out six year
wedding anniversary on the 25th of March, I thought it only
appropriate to write a blog post about navigating our relationship as a person
on the spectrum married to a neurotypical (also known as a nypical). When people first meet us, they often comment
about how we seem like we are still in the “honeymoon phase.” I highly doubt our brains could sustain such
high levels of dopamine for years. Maybe
their perception can be collected as another piece of evidence of a successful relationship.
Moving on…
We did not always have a great relationship. When Kris and I have discussed the rough
parts of our relationship, he says the first year was the hardest. A few years after we got married, he
disclosed to me that he wasn’t sure he even wanted to get married after our
first year of living together because it was so trying. The alarming part to me about this was I had
no idea. I thought everything was
fine. In retrospect, I can see why it
would have been difficult for him. I
had: quit smoking; got in a major car accident; quit school due to an
inappropriate advisor; lost access to a fixation. This resulted in lots of anxiety, tantruming,
stimming, depression…and eventually it got so bad I would refuse to leave our
apartment. I also was not aware of the
fact that I was/am an aspie. Kris was
just realizing that something was different.
He used to tell me I was being autistic when I would do, well, what I
do. Eventually after so many instances
of autistic behavior, he realized he was in a relationship with someone on the
spectrum. It took a couple of years of
strategic encouragement on his part to get me to go to a clinician to receive a
formal diagnosis. The first person he
sent me to was his therapist. He did not
really send me to her; so much as we had a couples’ session when he was first
transitioning. I thought she was a
complete moron and refused to go to someone else until we moved to
California. The obvious change in
routine from the move caused some issues, which eventually left me desperate
enough to seek out professional help.
Getting back on track with the topic of navigating the
relationship…
While writing this post, I realized one very important
piece to our success…
Kris.
Kris is patient, kind, intelligent and a mental health
professional. His knowledge lends to him
a certain level of understanding. He is
also very flexible and puts up with my obsessions and selfishness. People think selfishness is awful in a
relationship, but being on the spectrum comes with it. It isn’t intentional. It just is. Getting preoccupied to the level of intensity
that it can ruin your life comes with a certain amount of self-absorption. He has had to learn not take what I do or say
personally.
What about me? Do
I do anything to contribute or am I just sitting around sucking off the teet of
whatever system we have set up?
If I can sum up what I do in two words it would be:
I try.
Yup…that’s it. I
try. Actually, it isn’t that simple.
Trying for me means I research what neurotypicals desire
in a relationship and ask Kris what is important for him. This came in the form of asking the almighty
Google many questions and spending a lot of time in bookstores reading books in
the self help section to see what issues most neurotypicals struggle with in relationships
and how they resolve those issues. Here is
a list of examples of things I do and tools that help:
- Remind myself to ask Kris how his day was and listen instead of only talking about what I want to talk about.
- Divide up screen time so we are not only watching what I want to.
- Remind myself to ask Kris about his appearance or complement him on it.
- Look up events for us to go to that surround his interests even though I am not interested in it.
- Give him affection.
- Lower the volume of my voice when he asks me to (I have issues not knowing how loud I am).
- Ask what I can do to help when he is sad about something (even though I may not understand).
- Instead of arguing what I deem is logical or illogical when he views my behavior as inappropriate or hurtful, apologize and ask what would be preferable behavior in future scenarios.
As always, use technology to your advantage when you have access to it.
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